I know it doesn’t seem possible, but I am, in fact, still alive.  I didn’t fall off a mountain or walk into interstate traffic or get robbed and killed in my new neighborhood that grandpa thinks is just a little “scary.”  It’s not scary at all, really, it’s urban. And there is graffiti. My garage has been tagged wtih the word “mafia“–not by the mafia, I am sure, but likely by a couple of 15 year old boys whose parents didn’t pay enough attention to them  or hug them enough during their most formidable years. They run around with spray paint–it doesn’t automatically mean they’re going to knife me in my alley or that people sell drugs out of their backpacks on my street corner.

The point is, I’m alive and as much as is possible, I would like to come back to this blog.  I’ve got stories.  Many of them.  To tell to all of you.  Funny thing is, I can’t tell them if I don’t write them and you can’t read them if I don’t write them and so this level of communication that we long ago established gets completely fucked up if I don’t put forth the effort. 

So, I have a good four months to catch you all up on.  Four really, really busy months. Lots of random tales of my new life as a Coloradan…  I’ll give you the short of it: wine, new friends, Rockies Games, beers, tears, BBQs, sun, wine, smoothies, mountains, camping, hiking 14-ers, old men, traveling to Las Vegas–twice, gin & tonics,  anxiety attacks healed by wine, loving the job but working my ass off, bike rides, slumber parties, cab rides, trips to Vail, Thirsty Thursdays, out of town visitors, Elk heads, ass grabs, Avalanche games, and lots and lots of laughter. 

Looking forward to being back!

I haven’t posted in a month. It’s not because I haven’t wanted to, because I have wanted to. The thing is, is that since I’ve last posted, TONS has happened.

I officially ended my last job–turned in the keys and said goodbye to my dear friends and my desk and the doors I walked through nearly every single day for 2 years. The place I spent up to what, 14 hours a day in? It was a hard goodbye. And then, the day after I left the job at the alma mater, I got a new niece! Harper Grace was born and so I extended my trip to Iowa a few days and got to spend a couple of days with the family before flying back to Colorado on Friday night. The next day, Saturday, we moved into our new idyllic house which I am absolutely in LOVE with. Tuesday I interviewed for a job, Tuesday they offered me the job, Wednesday I started the job! It all happened REALLY fast!

The job=wonderful. The commute=terrible. The only thing that pulls me out of the funk known as my evening commute is waking up the next day and watching the mountains on the drive in, and the view out the picture windows of the “office” I work out of (read as: my bosses amazing house’s basement for the next two weeks until we move into a much larger, more suitable environment!) I work with some great people–they’re quite hilarious. I work in the beer industry and all the people I have come into contact with have been super nice. Plus, there is free booze involved, which saves me some money!! It’s been busy and I think it, much like my last job, will turn into a labor of love–where you put in the time and the work, but eventually you can see something tangible from all the hours you put in.

On top of the logistical stuff, there’s been really fun stuff happening, too! I’ve met some awesome people and some not awesome people (I have to say, the best people are the ones I meet that are from the homeland–go Iowa!!!!:) ). I’ve had great conversations and good wine. There’s been volleyball in the park, BBQs, evenings out downtown, lots of bikerides and pizza from the place around the corner, afternoons spent meandering the hippie streets of Boulder and perusing the used bookstores for the latest best finds. Tomorrow we’re going to Jazz in the Park at City Park, and on Monday we’re going to see Office Space on the side of a mountain out at Red Rocks.

There is, however, one HUGE downfall: I miss my friends and family terribly. Hey, you, go book a ticket and come visit, there’s SO much I want to show you!!!!!

But being busy isn’t why I haven’t posted in 17 years. No, there’s always time for blogging, but the one thing neccessary to do so…internet! There’s no internet at the new house and I’m not sure we will be getting any. So for now, you are stuck with these sporadic blogs birthed from a few free minutes to sneak to the library. See you soon, I hope!

It’sbeen kindof a whirlwind. I have spent the last week and a half searching for jobs, interviewing, trying to get settled, learning the city, sunbathing, and packing to come back to Iowa to finish up the job. In the mean time, I got a great tan, spent some time wishing death upon myself as the alititude took hold on top of the first mountain I climbed hiking, had a few vodka smoothies, played some tennis and drank a case of wine with the new roomie. 

We move into our new adorable little place in about a week and a half, so hopefully she does some major packing while I’m away.  I was originally slated to go back to Colorado on Tuesday, but the older sibling is being induced on Wednesday, so I decided that it would be ridiculous to miss the birth of the baby by a day, thus I rescheduled the flight and am now going back to Denver on Friday. We move the next day. It’s going to be crazy.

But probably not as crazy as the debocle of me trying to get home yesterday.

To get from Denver to Des Moines, you have to take a detour to Phoenix.  Fine, you got it.  But don’t take a detour in Phoenix where you have to change terminals and airlines.  Because if you do that, with less than an hour to spare, you will find yourself waiting impatiently for the airport bus and getting really irritated waiting in line for the one agent they have to serve 5,659 people. 

Thankfully, I made friends with the nice woman who was heading to Detroit. I think her name was Diane.  Anyway, Diane’s flight was leaving 10 minutes after mine.  She was right ahead of me to get our tickets, and then was way ahead of me when I got to security.  When she saw me at the back of the line, she took pity on me, acted as though we were together, and invited me to jump in with her about 20 people ahead of where I was.  Thank you Diane. 

The line still took about 28 minutes, and I had only 32 to make my flight.  After getting my ID checked, I begged 5 men in the security line to let me go ahead of them, I graciously thanked them, got my arse through security, grabbed my things and took off running sans shoes to my gate.  I got there just as the last person was boarding.  My toe was bleeding, I couldn’t breathe, I had sweat dripping down my back.  I was so attractive.

But I made it.  And I’m here. Sleeping on couches.  Living out of a suitcase.  Praying for sleep.

I don’t know what kind of place I was in when I wrote that last entry, but I know I am not there anymore.  Of course, I miss my friends and family dearly, but I am so, so happy to finally be here.

I am settled into my “temp” housing for a month until our new place becomes available.  We are currently in a beautiful huge apartment on the east side of Denver, and will be moving into a much smaller place in a much better location.  I got to see the new place on Sunday, and it is absolutley idyllic!  It’s about half the size of where we are now, but it has this gorgeous kitchen with stainless steel appliances, granite tile counters, hardwood floors, vaulted ceilings, etc.  You can see the mountains on the horizon from the front step.  It’s also in a great, kinda trendy neighborhood with lots of great shops, coffee houses, restaurants, bars, etc.  We are within walking/biking distance to downtown and the Coors stadium and it appears as though there are a lot of hot granola boys in the area!

So, it’s been a great couple of days!  I had lunch today with an awesome woman who might be my new idol–she is an alum from the same college I went to.  Yesterday I mostly unpacked what I needed and relaxed after a long weekend with the family in town.  We went to Garden of the Gods on Sunday which was beautiful and it was great to have them here for a couple days while I was getting acclimated.

I am, however, excited to be on my own!  I will post some pics of my recent activities if I ever find my card reader in my mess of boxes!!

Holy Shit.

I don’t live in Iowa anymore.

But I don’t quite live in Colorado yet, either.

I am in Limbo.  In Omaha. Nebraska.

For the next 15-ish hours. With my mom.  And dad.  And little sister. And grandfather.

Then we will hit the road again for the next 9 hour drive to DenCo.

I am thrilled.  I want to be there. Now.

Yesterday was rough.  I spent many a minute yesterday afternoon sobbing.  Those hard ones.  The ones you don’t want to cry, but you can’t control. And the tears keep coming.  And every time someone else comes in and says, “Are you crying,” you cry harder.

God, I will miss those people.  I will miss them more every day.  I am thankful I get to come back in two weeks to finish my work obligations and see them again.

And then last night, it was better.

And then this morning, I went to breakfast with my dad and was so anxious/sad that I couldn’t eat.

The sadness keeps sneaking up on me.  Occasionally, I can feel it creeping up behind me. Like a creepy stalker…you want to run, but will you be fast enough to beat it? And if you can sneak out from it’s hovering shadow, you see the sun and you can be happy.  I think it will be like this on and off for a few days.  I think it will go away.  I think it might take time.  But, I think it will be normal.

I hope so.

I want to be excited.  I want the transition time to go away. I want to be there independently.  I want my parents to move me in and go home…so I can begin again.  On my own.

I want to be a Coloradan…now.

Oh, and P.S. as a Coloradan, I have taken a vow to myself to do more blogging–to blog regularly so that I can keep all of my people at home updated with what I am doing.

I feel like I am in the middle of a breakup.  The mutual kind.  Where you still love each other, but you know it’s just not working out.  The kind where the relationship had gotten so serious that you decided you were going to move in together only to be stuck in limbo while one or both of you search for a new place to live.

Yes, this is how this move works.  That is how this feels.  The other day I was packing up.  Doing much of the deep packing, as I know that next weekend is going to be hectic with trying to get everything figured out plus there is a camping trip in there and a side trip to my sisiter’s.  I was putting books in their appropriate boxes and sorting out the ones that didn’t belong to me.  I placed those in another box with some borrowed seasons of Sex and the City and drove a familiar path to the house of my dear friend Beth.  We both realized then, I think, that we’re breaking up. And then there is breaking up with dear friend and roommate Sara.  Sorting our things, forgetting what’s  who’s  and trying not to make too much of a mess in the chaos. And then there is breaking up with my wonderful besties Lucy and Danielle. And of course, all of the people that I love dearly in this very office. 

I will miss these people dearly.  The drunken nights, laughter, tears, margaritas, babies puking all over me, falling into showers, gravel-traveling with a cooler, going fishing at the pond, spending that long weekend at the lake–just the girls, lazy Sunday afternoons spent attempting to garden, recounting details of great dates and horrible kissers, long conversations when the loneliness of the road took over, shared dinners, shared fears, shared secrets, shared heartache.

The distance is growing as the days go on, not so much by intention but by circumstance, and we’re definitely breaking up. And it hurts… it’s one of those long and painful breaks.  Not the immediate, band-aid style, quick break we prefer.

Just know, ladies, I expect all your asses to come visit me in the CO!

If you really want to rock your world, this should happen to you: your job should be posted on your office’s website under the “careers” tab, and your landlord should put the “For Rent” sign in your front yard all in the same day.  If you are ever looking for an incredible jolt into reality, into the essence of  your decisions and their effects, into the great unknown adventure that lies at your fingertips, that’s what you should do.  Especially if these life changes have occurred through your own volition.

So, do you all remember the “news” I have been illuding to for several weeks if not months?  Well, here it is: I’m moving.  Not from Blogspot to WordPress.  Not up the street or across town.  Not to an office with a window.  Oh, no. To Colorado.  Denver to be specific.  If you’ve been reading for very long, you all remember I went out there to visit in February.  Well, I fell in love instantly and since then have been plotting the ways to get myself back there.

Thanks to a dear, dear friend in Denver and the support of some great people back here in Iowa, I have decided it’s time!  I informed the job and the landlord, and in four short weeks, I will be packing up a UHaul and driving across a couple states to encounter my next great adventure.

I am so looking forward to sunny mountain views, fun nights out, amazing weather, winter weekends spent on the slopes, and hot granola Birkenstock wearing boys mixed in with some Colorado cowboys.  Mostly I am looking for a new adventure.  I have had the itch to relocate.  To find a place where I feel at peace enough to start to feel settled.  Lets hope this does the trick. Am I terrified? Midly.  Sad to leave? Very. Will it be worth it?  I think it will.  And a wise friend recently told me something that has stuck these last couple of weeks.  She said, “It’s spring, and in the spring, anything is possible.”  Here’s hoping she’s right.

Wish me luck!

I would tell him several things…if we still were in contact, that is. 

These are just a few:

-I’m really not as big of a bitch as you’ve come to believe I am.

-Our pictures from high school proms and homecoming dances  that I found over the weekend are really quite cute–we look young–you still have a baby face in them, and I look 20 pounds lighter.  They’d've been a cute slideshow at an event if we ever were together/married.

-Your relationship with her really was a crumbling point for us…

-I miss you less than I thought I would.  What a relief.

-I don’t picture you as “the one” anymore…the one that I was sure I was going to be with in the end. And for the first time in years, I’m okay with that.

-I still think you’re a great guy. Really.

-I’d like to erase your number from my phone as a precaution from drunk text messaging, but I can’t bring myself to do it.

-I like your hair better when it’s short.

-I think you two should get together…you’re quite perfect for each other.

-This is the last blog I’ll ever write about you.

-I’m wearing your socks right now.  The blue wool ones you left at my place that one time.  They’re comfy.

-You still have a really nice butt.  I remember drooling over it at baseball and football games in those tight pants when we were in high school.

-I still stalk you on Facebook.

Holy shit. I’ve been gone for a long time. I didn’t realize. Well, maybe I did but was in denial about the neglect I had been showing my poor blog and my dear bloggy friends.
Where have I been? All over. Chicago for a couple weeks. Crazy for a while in there. Many a day has been spent on the phone as this is our busiest season at work. Life? What’s that? Oh, right, that thing I used to have—that thing I had before it turned to March? Right, that.
So, in the last four weeks, what have I done? Driven nearly 2,500 miles. Celebrated a couple birthdays—my 24th and my niece’s 2nd. Ended a decade long, tumultuous relationship/friendship. Developed a big crush on a guy in Chicago, and promptly ran into a locker while speaking to him—face first—it was incredibly attractive, I am sure. Started running, again…bought new running shoes—love them…but now my knees are absolutely killing me. Apartment hunted for some incredible places with lots of character. Rekindled a friendship with a person who was extremely important in my teenage years—glad to have him back. Spent time with some great friends—and countless hours discussing the “big questions.” I read some great books. I went fishing, soaked up the sun, and drove too fast on gravel roads. Made big plans which I’ll share with you at a later date (hopefully not a month later). I’ve been happy, I’ve cried, I’ve laughed. I’ve done a lot in the last four weeks, and I’ve missed you…I’m glad to be back. And thanks to my hiatus, I feel incredibly refreshed, with lots of thought seeping out of these fingers…I hope you all still read :)  …I promise not to disappear for another four weeks, especially without explanation.

I’m extremely irritable lately. I might be PMSing. I don’t really know. But what I do know is that it takes next to nothing to throw me into a tantrum, and it’s very, very easy to piss me off. Calm down, Jamie. Calm down.

*Rummages through purse for pill bottle*

Anyway. Despite the previous paragraph, the drama actually doesn’t appeal to me. I graduated high school many years ago. And I didn’t like the drama then either, it’s just that there, drama is a nasty, sticky fly trap, and you’re the fly. You have no choice. Once you get close, you’re stuck. For years.

Which is why, when I forgot to return a phone call, I could feel my feet getting stuck to that very familiar surface. I very clearly pissed off a person whom I considered a dear friend. She was so pissed, in fact, that she basically told me to “fuck off” and that she didn’t need my “fucking shit” in her life and that we weren’t friends anymore. Okay. Whatever you say.

In the process of all of this, I realized that I didn’t have her phone number. Oh quit your judgemental scoffs, quit them, right now. I got a new phone. The numbers didn’t transfer. I transferred my family, my coworkers, Lauren, and that was it. There are numbers that I know because I have called them for years. Hers didn’t stick to my brain. Our prime communication before this had been Facebook and email anyway. MY BAD. I know.

So, I ask a mutual friend of ours for her phone number. He has it. I specifically ask him not to tell her that I asked him for the number because that will just send her into a tizzy and our friendship will be completely fucked irrevocably damaged.

The mutual friend, I need to add, has, for several years been a “love interest”—we’ve been back and forth for nearly a decade—honestly.

So, it’s complicated. Very.

And in an underhanded low-ball move, he tells her.

Because he wants to piss me off?  Big, ridiculous, her once again screaming in my face drama–I am sure you can imagine. She was even more pissed off at me, and I was pissed at him. Two days later, he apologizes—“never meant to screw things up, etc. etc. What can I do to fix this,” type of thing. I give him the easiest answer I can think of. Never talk to her about me. Don’t tell her anything about my life or what I am doing.

It’s *that* easy. Now that we aren’t “friends” I didn’t think it would be that hard. Why would she ask about me if she hates me? Right?

So when she Facebooks me last night over something that I only told him, I’m instantly all:

“whatthefuckwhereyouthinking whywouldyouevengothereafter allofthisyoudumbshit!?”

And why, dear bloggy friends, does she care? She axed me from her life for not returning a phone call, yet she acts interested in what I am doing? This doesn’t make sense to me.

And is he dense, or what!?!?!