Family Vacation Take Deux

by jlolb

*Some of the details of this story have been altered. Mom and Dad and Sisters, if you read this, I apologize and it was intended for entertainment purposes only. I swear.*

Our family vacation over the fourth of July is something I’ve been looking forward to since the first day the plans went into action. And by looking forward to, I mean I would rather be waterboarded. We are going to the lake of the Ozarks in MO. The whole family (mom, dad, big sis, little sis, BIL and baby) and some friends are coming. And you wonder why I might be a little anxious about this impending vacation? I mean, I should be used to it as we did the same thing last year…

One detail that is important to the story: mom and dad have been divorced since I was 8, and well, the truth of the matter is, they didn’t much get along. It was in the years following their divorce that I learned of my mom’s belief in voodoo and my dad’s ability to shoot lazers out of his eyes while eating kittens…

Last summer they decided to get along, and the family vacation ensued with both of them. It was, as far as I remember, the first time they’ve spent more than a day together in the same house since they got divorced. For us girls, it amounted to–awkward!

BIL typically passes out at 4:30 in the afternoon, and when he’s not passed out by the pool, he gets bored easily as he can’t actually get into the pool since the medicine he is taking for his syphilis (or gonorrhea…I dunno) reacts strangely with the chlorine.

Big sis is usually drinking something with a pretty straw or a little umbrella with her gigantic sunglasses on, and laying out on a layer of aluminum foil with SPF 4 on working on becoming a bronze goddess.

Little sis is angstily texting someone. And hating the rest of us.

Baby is throwing a fit over something and when you try to get her in the pool she screams. Take her out, she screams. Feed her, she screams. Give her water, she screams. Change her diaper, she screams. She’s usually screaming.

Dad is probably at the grill with his hand around a glass of scotch as mom is drinking red straight out of the bottle by the pool bar.

I am usually scrounging for prescription meds in everyone’s luggage and seeing what kind of cocktails I can put together to get myself through the four days…Please, people, pack the good stuff!

So here’s to the 4th with the family. It’s always interesting…