I think he actually exists…

by jlolb

People call me picky. I’m too apt to find flaws, they say. I don’t put myself out there enough. I date the wrong guys. I date the right guys and refuse to keep them. I disagree.

I’ve dated and dated and dated. I’ve put myself out there. I stalked the random video store guy into giving me his number in an extremely creepy fashion. But, one thing that remains the same—me, deciding he isn’t right, and moving on.

There’s always something. For some people it may not be a deal breaker. For me, it is. One might not give me enough space to be my own person, I feel stifled. I don’t want to make my life’s decisions around what he thinks or feels—yes, I’m selfish. I’m 23 and selfish and I don’t apologize for that. Another two might be perfect on paper, but the spark is just not there. They both should have been perfect—they had the same dreams, the same itch to travel, nice families, good looking guys—it should have worked with at least one of them. Not so much. Another one might be like talking to a rock, even though he is terribly cute. Another is perfect in the fact that he is rarely around—which was only screwed up by his disappearance…his taking himself out of my life without my permission or my knowledge. I might have stuck that one out a little longer. And, another one, well, he might just be too nice. I feel like if I can’t be honest in telling him that last Friday I got off work at 1 in the afternoon, started drinking with a friend at 2, and drank all night long because I am afraid of his judgment…well, where’s the honesty there? I don’t want to hide the person I am. I don’t want to hide the occasional afternoon of binge drinking. You get the picture.

I miss the spark. I know it exists. I know I have felt it before—and I have felt it deeply. That emotion that is unexplainable, and makes you believe that you cannot spend a day without this person. That every free second you want to either be with him or be on the phone with him. The one that makes you appear so stupidly in love that strangers get jealous. I know that feeling (I just knew it with the wrong guy). And I’m not going to settle for less. But, is it possible that I’ve lost it? The ability to let someone spark? To spark with someone? What if it’s gone, completely…

Call me picky if you must, but I don’t think it should be so hard. Yes, it gets old. Being alone—being the single girl at the outings. Watching your friends live their relationships—the good and the bad. Knowing that someone is going to be there when you don’t want to drive home, or go to the store for you when you’re sick—I do miss that. It would be nice to have someone around no matter what—if I picked up the phone, he’d be there. But I don’t want that with the wrong person. It shouldn’t be that hard to find the person you enjoy just as much one on one as you do in a group of friends; that person who makes you laugh all the time; the one who you can be just as happy with reading a book on the couch, or out at the bar. The guy who knows your feet get hot, and buys you a Heath Bar on his way home from work (who needs flowers? Give me chocolate!), the one who knows you take your coffee black and your wine red, and that you have the weirdest opinion about cheese. I think I have found many of these things in several different guys, but all along, that spark never surfaces, and I am always able, if not eager, to let them go.

I keep holding out for one—not even necessarily “the one,” but just one who really seems to fit…and I think he actually exists…

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