gone

by jlolb

I thought about him today. For the first time. In a long time. In fact, I can’t remember the last time. And I don’t know why he suddenly entered my mind. Someone might have mentioned his name–its a common name, that’s possible.

I might have been thinking about the younger sibling and the fucked up path she is tying up her shoes to trek down again, even though last time she was bruised and broken at the end. I can’t convince her to throw those laces away and I know she is getting in the same situation she was in before. I know the type of boy she is setting out for. He is the same boy that is going to leave her in the same situation that I was in with him…before. I want to push her down–break her legs so she can’t make this jaunt again, but I can’t.

It might be because tonight for dinner I decided to make something that he and I used to make…and maybe, with every bite he was slowly creeping his way back into my brain–my thoughts, my being.

I googled him. I looked him up on Facebook. I don’t know where he lives now. I don’t know his phone number or his current job or if his hairline has receded any farther than it was when I last saw him a couple of years ago–he was always self conscious of that.

I didn’t find anything. There is a person out there with his same name who is a little more popular than him on google. He doesn’t have the Facebook. And, thankfully, I can’t remember his number–the one that I thought would never stop ringing in my head or in my heart.

I am surprised I thought of him and more surprised I decided to look him up. I am surprised because he was such a negative force in my life–in my everything. I’m surprised because it took me so long to get back to being me after I got rid of him.

I’m so glad I couldn’t find him. I don’t want to know where he is or what he is doing or how his life is going. I thought about him, and I am certain that is as far as that’s going to go. He’s gone for a reason, a really good reason.

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