I am leaving soon to go to my grandparents’ to celebrate Christmas. This means I will be with family pretty much for the next three days straight between grandma’s and dad’s Christmases. I have a few requests, and I know I should have written this letter sooner, but I am a procrastinator–always have been. Sorry for the short notice, please help me out as much as you can.
-Please keep the booze flowing. I don’t care if I black out–this might be a holiday I am not interested in remembering. Instead of a stocking, just bring me a bottle of red, and I promise to leave a beer with the cookies for you.
-If I start slurring and my family thinks it is time to cut me off, please sprinkle Santa dust on them so that they go against their better judgement and fill up my glass.
-I would really like it if you can make sure that my cousin doesn’t show up acting so much cooler than everyone else. He is attempting to be Billy Idol’s long lost offspring, and sometimes it’s annoying. At least it’s annoying until we sneek off to the back porch to smoke his ciggies. Then I forgive him for being so “in your face!”
-I hope my mom decides not to make this holiday miserable. Please, let’s not repeat dysfunctional Thanksgiving. I don’t need to be calling Kara in tears.
-If grandma doesn’t make the real mashed potatoes and gravy, I might end my life. She did that one year, and it was the most tragic thing that happened in that decade. Grandma–NO BOXED POTATOES! If you’re just feeling too lazy to make them, I’ll do it.
-No life altering announcements. Please. No engagements. No pregnancies (except for the one I already know about! YAYY!!). No divorces. No marriages. Please. Because at this rate everyone I know is going to be married before me, have babies before me, and I would rather not hear about it on this holiday. If this happens, I might throw up. I’m serious.
-Please don’t let anyone add any “ey”s to the end of people’s names. If I hear an “Autie” “Jakey” “Grammy” “Emmy” over the next three days, blood will be shed. That irritates me. Badly.
-Also, if you have time on top of this, I would really like 7 new shades of OPI nail polish, a new TV, some socks, you could take care of my credit card bill, oh, and while we are at it, a double dose of Xanax. I mean, just as long as that other stuff gets taken care of.
Thanks Santa. I’ll leave you two beers if neccesary.
P.S. I’ve been pretty good this year–just trust me on this one.