Quicksand

by jlolb

I’m a mess, y’all.

Unstable, at best.  Maybe a little manic.

I spent part of the evening last night buried in the center of my bed crying on the phone with my incredibly supportive best friend who so desperately wanted to help me figure out why I was feeling so alone and why the tears wouldn’t stop and why I felt like it was so hard to breathe; why I felt like I was flying and falling all at the same time–maybe those two feelings aren’t so different.  I feel like there’s a hole in my chest–right there at the bottom of my sternum it rests–a big hollow void.  My friend reminded me of the positives and assured me I wasn’t alone.  And eventually I went to sleep.

This morning, I woke up to snow dumping from the still-dark sky to find that I’m lost in the questions.  I took them to the treadmill thinking maybe each heavy step of that run would quiet them, but in the middle of the songs blaring from my iPod I kept wondering…Who am I?  What is causing this crevice in the center of my being?  What does it all mean?  Why am I so fucking sad? Am I going to be able to get through this day without tears?…every mile seemed to take an eternity.  I was, not surprisingly, left without answers.

2011 was a year of discovery for me.  It was emotional and empowering and frightening and freeing and confusing.  A year of running mile after mile after mile and of travel and discovering new places and expanding the way I think.  A year when I felt things freely–recklessly almost.  I learned a lot about myself and what I am capable of.   I learned about being graceful and also about being grateful for a very understanding and accepting group of friends and family. And now at the beginning of 2012, I find myself being caught in the questions.  What does all of this mean?  What do I really want and what’s that going to look like? And, damnit, why can’t it just be easy?

I know, you’re going to tell me to take it a day at a time–to just live and quit thinking so much about it.  But I can’t.  It’s nearly paralyzing me.  I’m in emotional quicksand.  I cannot stand this place.  I cannot stand the person I am reduced to here.  I’ve been here before, and I know I’ll come out of it.  But being in the throes of it is, simply put, disorienting.

I hope, at the beginning of 2013, I’m remembering 2012 as the year when I became whole.  Not perfect, or anything close to it, but whole.  The year I spent putting the pieces where they needed to go and was honest with myself and with others.  Where I brought the positive energy in and left the negative behind.  I’m sure I’ll hit this quicksand again.  Likely more than once.  But I’m determined that this will not define me.  I am more than this.

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